Deaf’s Fables: Matt Forney

Deaf’s Fables: Matt Forney

Fire burst forth from the door as the bell, intended to signal a customer’s entrance to the employees, rang. No it wasn’t fire it was a stench so powerful it could be so mistaken. The beast from which the odor emanated waddled over toward the counter. The crowds of niggers filling the tables in the building began to suffocate violently, as if they were drowning.

The creature tripped and smashed the tile underneath with his skull, causing an earthquake that stopped the burger joint from operating for a solid 24 seconds. Once all of the gook babies in Nuklear West Korea making the meatmash were fired to compensate for the company’s losses for that time, Forney went forth to make his order.

He ordered the twenty ounce Meatmash Pie, a tubby-sized Tubba Cola, and the Heart-Breaker slop cup. In the span of an instant the beast became enraged, for his meal was guaranteed to be prepared a half a second after his order and arrived half a second later still. He could not move his face after the diabetAIDS spread to his head, but anyone looking at him would know his rage by the offensive hail of sweat pouring off his brow like a sprinkler.

shhhhhhhhhkkk… CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH…

shhhhhhhhhkkk… CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH CH…

The employee whomst took his offer panicked and ran to the back of the room but it was too late. Forney was already running from the room crying when one of the negroes starting filming him on her phone, shouting monkey insults at him. The company swiftly beheaded the employee and sent the Standard Care Package to Fatt Morney’s home (they had his address). All would be right in the world once their best customer was properly compensated for this shameful inefficiency.

On the way back to his home, Forney was accosted and harassed by a camera attached to the streetlight. It pointed at him so offensively and laughed at him in such a gay way that he panicked. His fear overtook him, and he waddled suddenly across the street. He had not been careful to check either side of the road for oncoming cars before he moved, and as every car began to crash into him, his body was rejuvenated by the fresh sustenance forcing itself pitifully into his side; his gelatinous flesh so invulnerable and massive to make a car seem as an ant.

When his path of destruction finally led him to the other side of the road, he saw a billboard advertisement for a local plastic surgeon, Dr. Horowitz. The beautiful woman featured on the ad reminded him that he was a legendary pussy slayer. It was time to go to the bar and take all of the women home.

He waddled and rolled toward downtown where the local nightlife would gather. He pressed T to wait and sat unmoving, unthinking, and unbreathing until darkness came; his planetary body not requiring the intervention of his brain in order to maintain its massive ecosystem writhing with larvae.

Once he heard the music he put his plan into action. He stepped toward the bar and fell onto it. His skull cracked the bricks at the base and sent the top teetering away. The walls were not capable of holding back against that much weight suddenly hitting them from the side. As the panicked occupants flooded the street, Forney began to inhale deeply.

Man and woman alike were swept up in the whirlwind and had their feet cruelly pulled away from the ground. The gaping maw that Forney calls his mouth stood open and merciless. The citizens screamed as they were sucked into the hole and swallowed. Many other objects were tossed into the air by the fierce winds and swallowed as well. They only served to make the chewing experience more painful and miserable for those unfortunate souls trapped in the jaws of the Tornado of Avarice.

Once everyone had been swallowed, Evolution’s Mistake waddled back toward his mountainous home to slumber until his hunger would force him awake once more. He would continue his endless, eternal existence as a demon of degeneracy and sloth for a thousand years.


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