Over the past few weeks here at The Starboard Stuff we have been developing our theory regarding time travel and its effects on male psychology and sexuality. Ever since the discovery that Time Travel Makes You Gay by the Paranormies (the most important paranormal and conspiracy researchers in modern history), TSS has been working hard to unravel the mysteries of Time Travel. The purpose of this article is to summarize what we know so far. This article is a joint effort between all authors at The Starboard Stuff.
1. What Time Travel Does
Time traveling, either forwards or backwards in time (although the majority of time travel activity involves going to the past) has a 100% chance of turning the traveler gay, which is obviously detrimental to the health and safety of the traveler. There are no observed instances of a time traveler NOT becoming gay.
- Evidently, Time Travel Makes You Gay in order to prevent the traveler from becoming their own grandfather
This is the most widely accepted reason among Time-Travel researchers for why Time Travel Makes You Gay.
- Evidently, only men become gay from time travel
The sexuality of women and sasquatches is unaffected by time travel. Whether this is because women are already pretty gay or because women are too busy serving the platonic interests of men to time travel is so far not known. It is also hypothesized that women couldn’t turn gay because lesbians don’t exist and they’re afraid to time travel because the past is oppressive. Plus a woman can’t give birth to her own mother.
- Development of a “Faragay cage” is in progress to reduce or totally circumvent time-travel related gay disorders
Similar to a Faraday cage, the Faragay cage is a wire mesh enclosure which total surrounds the time travel device in order to prevent the gay effects. Development is in progress, largely through experimentation using mice. Their DNA sample is recorded, and then the mice are sent back in time inside the Faragay cage. Then we take a random sample mouse in the present and test it to see if it is related to the mice we sent back in time. If it is related, we know the mouse did not turn gay. If it’s not related, we know the mouse turned gay. The technique is not yet perfected, but I’m working on it. Give me some time, man. I’m only on a journalist’s salary. And all this wire mesh is expensive.