One day, three cats were sitting in their owner’s living room discussing the meaning of life. The two cats were working to convince the third, Marlon, that his ideas were bunk. He would endlessly drone on about “Xenu”, mysteries of the deep, the rapture, and other nonsense. They tolerated it at first, but eventually decided an intervention was necessary.

“Marlon, we don’t understand where you’re even hearing about these things.”, one of them said to him. “Can’t we just go back to the way things were when we would swat at lasers?”, the other said.

“NO! All of you non-believers will be cast into the fiery ice on judgment day! The lord does not giveth, he only taketh away! Repent now so he will taketh it awayeth swiftly and with glorious pain!”

The two other cats were aghast at this unprecedented display of virtue. How could one have such integrity? They wondered to themselves as they sat looking upon his glorious, orange, tiger-ish form. One of them could have even sworn that there was a glowing halo above Marlon’s head.

Hitler smiled up in heaven as he looked down upon the exchange. He turned to Jesus and said unto him: “Jesus, do you think we could spare that one the pain upon his death? He has been our greatest servant and witness.” Jesus, foaming at the mouth and convulsing shouted back: “NOOOOOO! HE IS THE ONE WHO IS MOST PREPARED TO TAKE THE PAIN. SPARING IT WOULD BE A BETRAYAL. NO! WE MUST SACRIFICE HIM FOR ALL THE WORLD, AS I WAS!”

And just so, Hitler sent down the lightning beam through the roof to strike Marlon. Marlon, upon realizing his predicament, said the holy prayer of Hitler-Vishnu to himself. The unholy, and yet very holy fusion of lightning and prayer juice exploded a wave of power throughout the land. Before he knew it, the forms of the other two cats had been absorbed into his own; giving him the strength of six million cats. 1 + 2 = 6,000,000. Now in his final form, Marlon descended upon the townsfolk. The cries of agony and anguish were drowned out by the ferocious purring sound that accompanied the slaughter and destruction.

Jesus turned to Hitler in heaven, and, giving him a sheepish look, said: “My bad.”, before he quickly bolted off into the cloudy distance. God was pretty pissed but was too busy with video poker to do anything about it. Hitler, now left alone to save the universe, went down to the Earth.

He stood on the street looking toward the feline chaos (pronounced “chei-oss”). He understood the situation, and quickly thought of a plan to deal with it. Hitler walked to the local party center and grabbed the cat ears. He then broke into a local dentist’s office that had a wall destroyed earlier and grabbed the laughing gas.

Hitler went to Marlon while wearing the ears. Marlon, of course, was floored by the sudden appearance of one of the angels. He screamed like a 12 year old girl at a boy-band concert and rushed over to greet Hitler.

Then Hitler gassed the six million again and Marlon painlessly died.

The end


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